Rules of Marriage Everyone Should Know

Every married person knows to be faithful, stay truthful and be there for his/her partner through good and es - they’re in the wedding vows, after all. But most seasoned couples would admit that some unspoken rules are vital for getting past rough patches and growing stronger as a couple.
Here, experts share 10 of the less apparent (but just as important) marriage rules to live by:
1. Don’t criticize your partner’s parents or friends.
You know how it is-your family can tick you off but no one else had dare speak ill of them. That’s why you should tread carefully with your in-laws and your husband’s dearest friends. “Even when he’s venting to you, your contributions can put him on the defensive,” explains LeslieBeth Wish, EdD, a Florida-based psychologist and licensed clinical social worker. “When you take position A, you prompt your partner to take position B.” Instead, says Dr. Wish, put yourself in his position so that you can empathize with him.

2. Tell your spouse about any ex encounters.
Whether you get a Facebook friend request or run into an old flame at your kid’s soccer game, keeping the news to yourself could backfire, despite having zero feelings for the ex. “If there’s nothing to hide, why hide it?” says Deb Castaldo, PhD, a couples and family therapist and professor at Rutgers University School of Social Work in New Brunswick, NJ. “That leads to an air of secrecy and dishonesty,” she says. Just clue in your hubby matter-of-factly: Try, “I knew it was only a matter of time before old boyfriends came out of the woodwork on Facebook. I got a friend request from one and ignored it.” Or, “I saw my ex in the mall today. His kids are cute. Glad to see his life turned out nicely.”

3. Keep unsolicited advice to yourself.
Offer your support, lend your ear, but avoid speaking in an “I know what’s best” tone. “We give advice because we’re trying to be helpful, but it’s seen as criticism when we offer too many corrections,” says Harriet Lerner, PhD, clinical psychologist and author of Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up. This goes for everything from your husband’s outfit choices to how he deals with a work issue. Give your spouse space to make decisions and gain confidence through trial and error-and ask that he do the same for you, says Dr. Lerner. “What matters in a relationship is not that things get done ‘right,’ but that two people are dedicated to contributing to each other’s happiness.”

4. Don’t take charge all the time.
Whether you fold all the laundry because you don’t like how your husband does it or you manage the finances because you don’t think he’s as careful, you may feel more at ease doing all the work. But stop! “The spouse who does the rescuing can become tired of that role,” says Dr. Wish–and resentful that everything is on her shoulders, even if she volunteered for that burden. Get in the habit of asking your partner, “What do you think works best here?” or telling him, “I could use a hand cleaning out the pantry.” These requests will foster the idea that you’re teammates.

5. Don’t bring up past arguments.
Or at least put a statute of limitations on them. “People repeat ancient disagreements because they haven’t resolved the problem,” says Dr. Castaldo. Letting things fester often causes marriages to break down, she says. It’s important to address issues as they happen and come to some sort of resolution–agreeing to disagree counts. “Leave it there, and respect each other’s opinion,” she says.

6. Choose your battles, but don’t stifle your feelings.
“There’s going to be toothpaste globs here and Post-it notes there; that’s human nature,” says Dr. Wish. “You have to be able to say, ‘this isn’t important.’” Or if it is, speak up. “Tell your partner why it bothers you and that you’d like to work on a solution,” suggests Dr. Wish. You’d be surprised what you could learn about each other. For instance, your husband may not leave dirty dishes in the sink anymore if you explain that your childhood home was piled high with plates and you were stuck washing them. It’s also important to understand that he’s not plotting to upset you every time he’s sloppy or forgetful. A simple request like: “Honey, it’d be great if you could pick up the dry cleaning while you’re out” beats getting mad that he didn’t offer to help with errands.

7. Don’t post private thoughts or photos publicly.
You may not want to be tagged in a politically charged rant he starts or he may not want you to share photos of the kids. And you each deserve the other person’s respect for those wishes. “Discuss the ground rules regarding posting about yourself, as a couple and about the other person,” says Dr. Castaldo. And no matter what, don’t take your grievances with your husband to the masses for support. “It’s destructive to air conflicts on Facebook,” she warns.

8. Log off.
When your attention is focused elsewhere, your spouse is bound to feel unimportant. So make quality time a top priority and restrict tech gadget use if necessary, says Dr. Wish. “Pay attention to the concept of ratio: How much time am I spending doing this compared to how much time I’m spending with my family?” she says. Create a rule that works for your household and stick to it, whether it’s no devices at the dinner table, shutting down phones at 8 p.m. or going gadget-free on weekend afternoons.


9. Don’t use the “D” word (divorce, that is).
Even in the heat of an argument, avoid threatening to pack your bags or head to the lawyer’s office. Besides the “D” word being downright hurtful, repeated warnings may result in a spouse calling the other’s bluff. “We act as if the intensity of our anger gives us license to say or do anything,” says Dr. Lerner. “But threatening divorce is never useful, and it only makes the probability of separation more likely.”

10. Be each other’s number one.
In other words, be wary of outsider influence, like a friend putting relationship-threatening ideas in your head or work or hobbies competing for your attention. “Happy couples have just as much conflict as those who divorce, but they know ways to get through it,” says Dr. Castaldo. “A couple has to have a strong boundary around themselves and they can’t allow anybody to get in between.”

A Must Read! How A Woman Saved Her Husband

To marry a good wife is one of the best thing that can happen to a man. The story goes thus:
I, Sarah Adams take Lawson Kuti as my lawful wedded husband, to love and to cherish, in sickness and in health, till death do us part” she smiled at him through her veil.

First gay mosque to open in France

Mohammed Ludovic Lütfi Zahed (right), an Algerian Muslim living in France who is married to his gay partner Qiyam al-Din (left), hopes to open a mosque for homosexuals

Mohammed Ludovic Lütfi Zahed, an Algerian Muslim living in Paris is planning to open a ‘mosque for gays’ in France and hopes to eventually conduct same-sex Muslim marriages.

According to reports, Zahed, a homosexual man is married to his gay partner and hopes to open the doors by the end of the month. He also plans to break another Islamic taboo by refusing to segregate women and men.

Zahed says the mosque, in a Buddhist chapel in Paris, will be very different from the conventional mosque. “In normal mosques, women have to sit in the back seats and wear a headscarf and gay men are afraid of both verbal and physical aggression. After performing the Hajj, I realized that a mosque for gays was a must for gay Muslims who want to perform their prayers.”

Zahed is married to Qiyam al-Din, a South African man. Zahed diagnosed with AIDS at 19, became very spiritual but reveals he regularly receives hate mail from Muslims globally, but added he is ‘comfortable’ in his own skin The pair married in South Africa where same-sex marriage is legal, and their marriage was approved by an imam in France, but was not recognised by the previous government as the French are bitterly divided on gay marriages.

Reports that the French President Francois Hollande plans to enact his ‘marriage for everyone plan’ within a year of coming to power in May is circulation but vocal opposition from religious leaders, some politicians and parts of rural France has sparked protests with an estimated 70,000 marchers.

Riot police used tear gas to break up violence between those who support and oppose the change in law.

As well as opposition from those against gay marriage, the couple will likely face persecution from the French Muslim community. Homosexuality is a religious, political and cultural flashpoint among much of the Arab and Islamic world.

Zahed told Al Arabiya News: ‘Being married in front of my family, was like a new start of life for me.

‘I could have never imagined such a day would come, seeing the joy in my parents’ eyes after they had battled with my sexuality and tried with all their might to change the course of my sexual orientation.’

He added that if his marriage is not recognised in France he will return to South Africa.

How a Lady Almost Snatched My Husband With Séx; But I Got Him Back –Married Woman

I have been married for the past 9 yrs, I'm blessed with 3 kids (2boys and a girl) and I have the most amazing hubby... I'm trying to correct the notion that all marriages are wacky and all because that's not true. It wouldn't be nice if some single girls out there don't get to know that marriages can work if u make it happen.

Ten ways to romance your lover!

1) Write him a check for one hundred kisses. Be available to cash the check for him when and where he likes.



2) The next time you're out to dinner, casually take out a pen and write a note to him on a paper napkin—letting him know what he can look forward to at home. Fold it and slide it across the table.



3) As he heads out for work, give him a passionate kiss. If he wants to know what it was for, tell him it's the appetizer for tonight's menu.



4) Pamper his tootsies with a relaxing foot massage. All you need is a warm basin of water, some soap, a towel, and some lotion.



5) Get up a few minutes earlier than usual, brush your teeth, then get back in bed and wake him up with a kiss.



6) Refrain from saying "I told you so." That might be the best gift of all.



7) Handwrite his favorite Bible verse on parchment. After laminating it, surprise him by tucking it into his Bible.



 Have your guy write down on slips of paper his five favorite things to do. Fold them and place them in a bowl. Let him draw one out and read it—then do it together.



9) Blindfold your husband and "kidnap" him. Take him to a hotel room where you have prepared a romantic tryst.

10) Men view romance differently than women. Ask your husband to describe what's romantic to him. Don't be surprised when his ideas sound very different from yours.

How to keep your man begging for more!

So, you met your Mr. Right and your marriage/relationship is as strong, exciting, and hot as ever. My advice is, never go slow in your show of affection for him.

How to keep your man interested and the fire of love burning should be your utmost priority. Make him feel that he is the luckiest guy for having chosen you. Here as some tips to keep your man’s interest:

1. Be confident about yourself. Seeing you looking good and feeling good about yourself will certainly make your man happy. He will also be confident about his feelings for you and his take on your relationship.

Wear dresses that will make you look perfect on a date with him. Don’t overdo your make-up. Just make it light and simple. Natural beauty is still a guy’s preference. Maintain your youthfulness and femininity.

When around him, don’t pretend to be somebody else. Just be your natural self. A man would love seeing you do things for him even if you would look awkward. Singing his favorite song to him even if you’re out of tune will endear you to him more.

2. Make him feel important. Nothing will make a man more interested than knowing that he is important in your life, just as you are to him. Simple gestures like buying him things without him asking for it, preparing him dinner after a hard and tiring day at work, preparing his clothes for work in the morning, listening to him share his achievements of the day, laughing at his jokes, or surprising him on his birthday will surely make him want to be with you more.

3. Make him feel like a man. Boosting your man’s ego is definitely not wrong. Telling him that he looks awesome in his suit or that he stands out in a crowd will make him feel good about himself. It will also boost his ego knowing that you feel protected or secure when he’s around.

4. Keep him intrigued. Keep him interested in you by letting him realize that you are getting more fascinating every single day. Showing him what you are capable of, surprising him of your cooking abilities, dressing up for him, showing your love and care for him in different ways will definitely let him stay. Keeping him intrigued will want him to see you often to know more about you.

5. Know his likes. Your man will appreciate it if you spend time with him and do the things that he likes even if you may not like it at all or may be a bit clumsy with it. It also helps if you do a little research on what he likes and surprising him with them. Seeing you take an effort in wearing his favorite color, cooking his favorite food, playing his favorite sports, or singing his favorite tune will definitely keep his interest in you.

6. Love him but don’t be clingy. Your man is not a robot. He needs space and time for himself and for his guy friends. Allow him to go out once in a while with his friends and also enjoy some time with your own set of friends as well. Men love independent women, so have your sense of independence even if you’re in a relationship with him. But make sure that he still feels the need to protect and care for you. Assure him that nothing beats the feeling of security when you’re beside him. That way, he’ll keep his interest in you.

7. Be well-mannered. A man will surely love you more if he sees that you value people around you and if you show your kindness and grace. Your man will feel luckier knowing that he has beside him a well-mannered woman like you.

8. Give him a massage. Men love to be pampered too. Surprise him with a body or back massage after a long and hard day at work. It simply shows that you care for him a lot.

9. Stay fresh (hygiene, no grandma panties lol, get your eyebrows done, no do-rags)

10. Don’t listen to rumors.

11. Don’t give him a hard time, be supportive

12. Don’t talk him to death.

13. Don’t listen to your single girl-friends

14. Add this yourself using the comment box below

There are many ways on how to keep your man interested. As long as you truly love and care for him, you will do things for him that will make him stay with you forever.

Marriage rules you should break

The two of you should do everything together; work out every disagreement (without actually fighting); spend every night in the same bed; and never, ever be bored. Say what?! These and other so-called “rules” for marriage need some serious debunking. And it’s not just because rules your mother may have passed on are outdated; some may be downright damaging. In fact, “breaking some marriage ‘rules’ may be the best thing you can do for your relationship,” says Barbara Bartlein, RN, MSW, psychotherapist and author of Why Did I Marry You Anyway? Here are 10 rules you can break with confidence.

1. Never go to bed angry. 
Where did this one come from? Turns out, it may go as far back as the Bible, which advises not letting the sun go down on your anger. But trying to work through a problem when you’re tired and stressed won’t get you anywhere, says Elizabeth Lombardo, PhD, psychologist and author of A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness. “Agree to disagree for now, and to revisit the issue when you’re rested.”



2. Always be 100% honest. 
In marriage, no-holds-barred honesty is not always the best policy. For example, “you don’t need to share details of past relationships,” says Bartlein. “That invites comparisons, and when you compare, someone comes up short.” The bottom line: You need to be polite and caring when it comes to your partner’s feelings.

3. Never vacation without each other. 
The received wisdom here is that if you have time off from your jobs and lives, you should naturally prefer to spend it together. One problem with this rule is that you and your spouse may not have the same definition of a great getaway (you like to ski, he’s a beach bum). The other danger, says Dr. Lombardo, is the belief “that you have to be each other’s everything, and that’s just not realistic.” Sometimes, you need a spa weekend, and he may want to go camping (or vice versa). Just be sure that you don’t always take off without each other.




4. If you fight, you’re headed for divorce. 
Actually, says Bartlein, research shows that couples who never fight—assuming that means they’re holding back to avoid conflict—are more likely to split. You need to find ways to fight healthily and productively (without blaming, name-calling and the like), but that said, being committed to respectfully airing out conflicts is a far better rule than “keep your mouth shut.”

5. Once you have children, they come first. 
“So often, I see couples who have put their relationship on hold in order to be good parents,” says Dr. Lombardo. But those couples, she says, have it exactly backward. Making your relationship top priority is better not just for you, but for your children, who need to see you in charge and who feel safer and more secure with parents who have a loving relationship. “Create couple-only time during which you do not discuss bills or children, where you do fun activities and enjoy each other's company.” The kids’ll be all right.



6. You should never sleep in separate beds. 
Um, snore much? It’s a myth that couples always sleep better and more cozily together than apart. One partner may be a toss-and-turner, or one may hit the hay early while the other keeps a reading light burning till the wee hours. So if one of you occasionally decamps to the guest room, don’t sweat it. “Getting a good night’s sleep is crucial to the health of your mind, body andmarriage,” says Dr. Lombardo. Just be sure a separate-bed habit isn’t about avoiding sex or physical intimacy.

7. Partners should sync up their hobbies. 
Though spending every free moment you have training for a marathon while your spouse works on his classic car isn’t good for your marriage, neither is subscribing to the notion you should quit doing what you love just because your husband doesn’t love the same things. Giving up your passions is akin to forgoing your independence, and “without independence in a marriage people feel trapped,” says Bartlein. Pursue your separate interests and find activities you both enjoy.



8. If there’s no spark, you’re doomed. 
Many married couples understand intellectually that they won’t always experience that I’ve-been-drugged-by-love feeling in a long-term relationship. “But many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love. The mistake here is to believe that you can live forever on fireworks, or even just love, alone.



9. Boring is bad. 
The problem with this so-called rule, says Bartlein, is when couples confuse a calm, predictable union with a bad one. A drama-filled relationship may feel exciting, but in the long run it’s not likely to be healthy. Isn’t it better, she says, to “boringly” know where your spouse is every night than to be “excited” by constant ups and downs? “Better to have a safe, relaxed, ‘boring’ life together in the everyday. You can always inject excitement with vacations and activities.”

10. You should have sex with your partner to make him/her happy. 
This may be a particular problem for women, especially new mothers. “Sex becomes yet another item on your to-do list, and you think you have to do it for the sake of your marriage, and the happiness of your spouse,” says Dr. Lombardo. While neither of those reasons is wrong, they shouldn’t be the only reasons. “Sex is for both of you.”




Source:  http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/dating-marriage/10-marriage-rules-you-should-break-106237

10 Ways to make your relationship happy!

What does it take to be happy in a relationship? If you're working to improve your relationship/marriage, here are the 10 habits of happy couples.

1. Go to bed at the same time
Remember the beginning of your relationship, when you couldn't wait to go to bed with each other to make love? Happy couples resist the temptation to go to bed at different times. They go to bed at the same time, even if one partner wakes up later to do things while their partner sleeps.

2. Cultivate common interests
After the passion settles down, it's common to realize that you have few interests in common. But don't minimize the importance of activities you can do together that you both enjoy. If common interests are not present, happy couples develop them. At the same time, be sure to cultivate interests of your own; this will make you more interesting to your mate and prevent you from appearing too dependent.

3. Walk hand in hand or side by side
Rather than one partner lagging or dragging behind the other, happy couples walk comfortably hand in hand or side by side. They know it's more important to be with their partner than to see the sights along the way.

4. Make trust and forgiveness your default mode
If and when they have a disagreement or argument, and if they can't resolve it, happy couples default to trusting and forgiving rather than distrusting and begrudging.

5. Focus more on what your partner does right than what he or she does wrong
If you look for things your partner does wrong, you can always find something. If you look for what he or she does right, you can always find something, too. It all depends on what you want to look for. Happy couples accentuate the positive.

6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work
Our skin has a memory of "good touch" (loved), "bad touch" (abused) and "no touch" (neglected). Couples who say hello with a hug keep their skin bathed in the "good touch," which can inoculate your spirit against anonymity in the world.

7. Say "I love you" and "Have a good day" every morning
This is a great way to buy some patience and tolerance as each partner sets out each day to battle traffic jams, long lines and other annoyances.

8. Say "Good night" every night, regardless of how you feel
This tells your partner that, regardless of how upset you are with him or her, you still want to be in the relationship. It says that what you and your partner have is bigger than any single upsetting incident.

9. Do a "weather" check during the day
Call your partner at home or at work to see how his or her day is going. This is a great way to adjust expectations so that you're more in sync when you connect after work. For instance, if your partner is having an awful day, it might be unreasonable to expect him or her to be enthusiastic about something good that happened to you.

10. Be proud to be seen with your partner
Happy couples are pleased to be seen together and are often in some kind of affectionate contact -- hand on hand or hand on shoulder or knee or back of neck. They are not showing off but rather just saying that they belong with each other.

Happy couples have different habits than unhappy couples. A habit is a discrete behavior that you do automatically and that takes little effort to maintain. It takes 21 days of daily repetition of a new a behavior to become a habit. So select one of the behaviors in the list above to do for 21 days and voila, it will become a habit...and make you happier as a couple. And if you fall off the wagon, don't despair, just apologize to your partner, ask their forgiveness and recommit yourself to getting back in the habit.

10 Signs of a Serious Relationship

When you are with someone you really care about, how can you tell if that person is the one for you? How can you find out where your relationship stands? Are there any clues that could tell you if the relationship will lead into marriage?

Perhaps you are at the stage where you feel that you are ready to settle down and would like to know if the relationship is going anywhere. How do you find out if the person you are with is as committed to you as you are to him/her?

Below are some signs that could help you tell how serious and dedicated you and your partner are getting and how close you are into taking that next step:

1. You drop the “I” or “you” and start referring to each other as “we”.

2. There is no one else that you can imagine being with than him or her. They are starting to become the most important person in your life.

3. You catch yourself thinking about ways to please your partner rather than yourself.

4. You see yourselves growing old together, walking hand in hand along the shore, and taking care of each other.

5. You have fun imagining what your children and grandchildren will be like.

6. You start looking at money in a different way, like thinking about buying a house together, saving for a trip together, spending it on anything that you both can share.

7. You cancel dates with your friends and other people because you would rather spend time with him or her.

8. You start feeling tired of the single life and start thinking about getting married.

9. You feel strongly that it is very important for your family and your ‘special someone’s’ parents to get along.

10. You start thinking and talking more about the future and your goals together.

5 Stereotypes Why Black Guys Prefer White Girls

1. White girls don’t talk back. Put a little aggression in your voice and she will do whatever you say. Black girls always wanna fight. Always.

2. Some Black men hate "sistas". Rather, they hate the stereotype that they box all sistas in. They fall for the stereotype that Black women have nasty dispositions and are always angry so they decide that is brighter on the other side. For some reason, some Black men feel that no other woman in the world has a feisty attitude. Or they may have had experiences dating Black women that were negative in the past and hold on to those experiences and let that be the deciding factor for dating all Black women. Instead of taking it on an individual basis.

3. Some Black men have esteem issues where they subconsciously dislike being Black and therefore purposely seek White women only because on some levels it separates them from their own race. It helps them deal with their own self hate issues with skin complexion and color.

4. White girls are more direct in what they like and want. Black guys like the fact that a lot of the guessing game gets thrown out with white girls.

5. Some Black men are under the impression that white women are more sexually adventurous than Black women. They feel that White women will do things in the bed that most Black women will not. The White woman is the one that will fulfill all of his fantasies without complaint and make it her business to be his little sex freak and keep him happy. While, they assume that a Black woman will be more sexually selfish and unwilling to be as sexually open. Which is far from the truth. Every woman has her own individual sexual appetite and which has more to do with her personally than her race.

The lucrative sperm business in Ghana

Call it whatever you like but people are doing everything to survive the economic meltdown that has besieged many countries of the world. Sperm has become one of the hottest commodities being sold in Ghana and many parts of the world. The target market for this new booming venture are couples suffering from male infertility, l*sbian couples, and single women who pay huge amounts of money to access it.

According to latest reports, sperm has become one of the hottest commodities being sold in Ghana. The target market for this new booming venture are couples suffering from male infertility, lesbian couples, and single women who pay huge amounts of money to access it.

“Selling of sperm is gradually becoming the new business frontier booming in Ghana because it has many uses in today’s society: making babies, sperm banks, and putting volume in limp hair in order to make it long,” a medical student at the University of Ghana Medical School, who sold sperm five times to a Fertility Centre in Accra for GH¢10, 000 ($5,280), told Economic Tribune (ET).

The medical student, who gave his name only as Mensah, said even though selling of sperm was a risky business, it was also rewarding as well.

“I use the proceeds from this business to pay my fees and also support my close pals. Who knows how long I will continue? But whatever happens, I know I can look back on many happy families that I have helped to create,” he stated.

Mrs Naomi Suame, a shop owner at East Legon and many parts of Accra, has been married for 15 years and has two children, none of whom biologically belongs to her husband.

“I discovered my husband was infertile when we got married after two years. But I wanted to experience motherhood. I decided to have artificial insemination. I have never cheated on him. I just got sperm from a willing seller and got two healthy babies. Is that not wonderful?” she asked. In the case of Naomi, she got a young man from the University of Cape Coast, paid him GH¢12,000 ($6,322) and took his sperm, which she used twice to get the babies.

“Sperm is one of the scarce commodities for many of us. There is a high demand for it and many young men are going into this venture selling their sperm to help others, who needs it for one reason or the other,” Naomi explained.

Investigations conducted by ET revealed that due to the huge capital outlay of the process, women have now devised a way of beating the system by getting donors (sperm sellers) whom they take to the Fertility Centres for harvesting at a cheaper cost and then having the sperm induced in their uterus.

What are you thinking? Did you just start planning a trip to Ghana?

Surprising relationship myths

There are hundreds of myths about relationships, according to Terri Orbuch, Ph.D, a Michigan clinical psychologist and author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great" (Delacorte Press, 2009). The problem with persistent myths is that they can erode a relationship's happiness, she said.

When you think a relationship should be a certain way, and yours isn't, frustration sets in. And "frustration is the number one thing that eats away at a relationship," Orbuch said, and "it's directly tied to these myths."

That's why it's so critical to bust the below misconceptions. So without further ado, here are eight myths about relationships that might surprise you.

1. Myth: A good relationship means that you don't have to work at it.
Fact: "The strongest most enduring relationships take lots of hard work," said Lisa Blum, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist in Pasadena and Los Angeles, who specializes in emotionally focused therapy with couples. She believes that our culture, education system and parenting styles don't prepare us for the fact that even good relationships take effort.

She likened a healthy relationship to a good garden. "It's a beautiful thing but you wouldn't expect it to thrive without a whole lot of labor and TLC."

But how do you know if you're working too hard on a relationship? One sign, according to Blum, is if you're feeling unhappy more than you're happy. In other words, are you spending more time tending to the relationship and keeping it afloat than enjoying it?

This unhappiness becomes less of a rough patch, and more like the "normal state of affairs," she said.

Another bad sign is if you're trying hard to make improvements and changes, but you don't see the same level of effort on your partner's part. "There has to be some sense of 'we're trying really hard, both making changes and that's making a difference.'"

On the flip side, if both of you are trying and you can see positive changes being made at least some of the time, then that's a good sign, Blum said.

2. Myth: If partners really love each other, they know each other's needs and feelings.
Fact: "It's a setup to expect your partner to be able to read your mind," Blum said — because when you anticipate that your partner will know your wants, that's essentially what you're doing. We develop this expectation as kids, she said. But "as adults, we're always responsible for communicating our feelings and needs."

And once you've communicated your needs and feelings, "a better measure of the quality of your relationship" is whether your partner actually listens to your words.

3. Myth: If you're truly in love, passion will never fade.
Fact: Thanks to movies and romantic novels, we assume that if we genuinely love someone, "the passion, urging and loving" never go away. And if they do disappear, then "it must not be the right relationship" or "our relationship [must be] in trouble," Orbuch said. However, passion naturally diminishes in all relationships.

Daily routines are one of the culprits, Blum said. As their responsibilities grow and roles expand, couples have less and less time and energy for each other.

But this doesn't mean that the passion is gone for good. With a little planning and playfulness, you can boost passion. Blum sees many relationships where passion is alive and well. "Passionate sex is a byproduct of sustained emotional intimacy along with a continuing sense of adventure and exploration and sense of playfulness." Orbuch also has emphasized the importance of couples doing new things to perk up their relationships.

And when it comes to passion-squashing routines, Blum suggested couples ask themselves: "How do we tame our lives sufficiently that we can make time for each other and have energy left for each other?"

4. Myth: Having a child will strengthen your relationship or marriage.
Fact: Studies have shown that relationship happiness actually decreases with every child, she said. This doesn't mean that you start loving each other less or that you won't bond at all over your child, Orbuch said. But the mounting challenges can complicate relationships.

Having realistic expectations helps couples prepare themselves for their new roles, she said. When you think that a child will improve your relationship, it only adds to the complications.

As Orbuch said, "'should' statements don't allow you to see what the other person is doing to strengthen and manage the relationship," and these expectations "cloud your judgment." She recommended planning ahead and talking about the changes that will occur when you have your first child or more kids.

5. Myth: Jealousy is a sign of true love and caring.
Fact: Jealousy is more about how secure and confident you are with yourself and your relationship (or the lack thereof), she said. Take the following example: If you have a jealous partner, you might try to show them how much you care so they don't get jealous. But you soon realize that any amount of caring isn't a cure for their jealous reactions.

While you can be supportive, according to Orbuch, your partner must work on their insecurity issues on their own. "No matter what you do, you can't make your partner feel more secure" or "change their self-confidence."

Trying to make your partner jealous also can backfire. While men and women are just as likely to experience jealousy, their reactions differ. Men either get very defensive or angry, believing that the relationship isn't worth it, Orbuch said. Women, on the other hand, respond by trying to improve the relationship or themselves.

6. Myth: Fights ruin relationships.
Fact: In actuality, what ruins relationships is not resolving your fights, Blum said. "Fights can be really healthy, and an important form of communication and clearing the air."

Also, the type of fight a couple has plays a role. Not surprisingly, nasty, scornful or condescending fights that leave couples resolution-less and not talking for days damage the relationship. Productive conflicts that help the relationship end with "some mutual decision about how to manage this disagreement," Blum said. (Here's help on improving your communication and becoming a better listener and speaker.)

7. Myth: In order for the relationship to be successful, the other partner must change.
Fact: Many times we're very good at the blame game and not so good at pondering how we can become better partners. Instead, we demand that our partners make such and such changes.

Unless, there are extreme circumstances like abuse or chronic infidelity, Blum said, it takes two to make changes.

But even more than that, it's up to you to figure out what you can do. While this seems "simple and obvious," 100 percent of the couples Blum sees point the finger.

"It's a profound mental shift to look at 'what can I do' [and] 'what changes can I make.'"

8. Myth: Couples therapy means your relationship is really in trouble.
Fact: By the time couples seek therapy, this may be true, but changing this mindset is key. Most couples seek therapy "when they've been suffering for a really long time," Blum said. "What elements were good in the relationship are destroyed."

Instead, Blum suggested that people view couples therapy as preventative. This way, a couple comes in when they've been stuck on one or two conflicts for a few months, "not five or six over the last 10 years."

Ten Signs Of A Good Relationship

1. You feel good- about him, about yourself, about life. Being with him has given you a more positive outlook on life and love. There is no doubt, no pessimism, no feeling of insecurity.

2.You look forward to seeing him. You want to spend time together, and don’t find yourself looking for excuses to be alone or spend time with other people instead. You are happy just sitting together reading a paper.

3. You respect each other. You are offended if someone badmouths your guy, you don’t allow people to insult him, and you don’t join in on spouse-bashing when others complain about their significant other. On the contrary, you speak well of him and think well of him, and have confidence he does likewise.

4.You care about each others feelings, thoughts, and interests. You ask each other for advice and consider each other when making decisions. You don’t think as an individual anymore, you think about how things affect you both.

5. You accept each other. You don’t have a list of things to fix about him, but appreciate what is wonderful about your love and focus on the wonderful ways he adds to your life.

6. You fight fair. There is no name calling or belitting. You both state your side, and compromise. You’d rather lose the battle than the relationship, and there are no issues so serious that are worth breaking up over because you don’t let that happen. You do not push your partner to the wall by being so disrespectful that it forces them to either break up with you or lose their dignity by staying.

7. You can see a future together. You can see traveling together, see him holding your babies, see dancing together at 90. You can see a full and happy life.

8. You protect each other. You don’t allow others to attack your mate, you surely don’t hurt her, and you don’t allow her to hurt herself.

9. You don’t measure each other to past relationships, keep score of who does more, or compare each other to people you could be with instead. You are complete with each other, your relationship is full, you don’t even care about other men or women.

10. You feel safe. You’re not afraid of losing your partner, or being hurt by your partner. You don’t worry about what he’s doing when you aren’t together, and when you have something to say you aren’t worried they will hurt or attack you. You feel secure and loved.

Questions to ask your partner before you get married

Don’t make that mistake. Don’t get married without knowing your future spouse’s thoughts on these issues that can kill a marriage.
Compromise is usually not an option if the two of you disagree on these issues that can be deal breakers.
1. Do you want to have children?
It is a huge red flag in your relationship if you and your future spouse can not agree on whether to have children or not.
Thinking that you can deal with this issue later in your marriage is a mistake.
Making a decision to have a baby when one parent doesn’t want to have children is not fair to the child or to your marriage.
2. Can we talk about money?
The mechanics of how the two of you will handle your finances really isn’t the issue. Many couples in successful  marriages have separate checking accounts and many couples in successful marriages have one account.
The issue is whether or not the two of you can calmly and practically talk about money.
If how your money is spent, or saved, or not spent is an issue before you get married, it will be an even bigger issue after your wedding.
If your future spouse doesn’t want to talk about money, or doesn’t think talking about money is important, postpone your wedding until this issue is solved.
3. Can we talk about sex?
There is no way of predicting the future when it comes to an individual’s sexual libido.
However, if the two of you are already having sexual issues, you shouldn’t get married until the issues are settled.
Differences in sexual frequency, desire, preferences, fantasies, masturbation, pornography, expectations, etc. will tear the two of you apart. If you and your partner are unable to talk about the issues, or if your future spouse doesn’t see any real problem, or doesn’t want to talk about sex with you, cancel the wedding.
4. How much time will we spend with our in-laws?
They may be wonderful people who love you both, but your in-laws should not be allowed to interfere in your marriage relationship.
If either one of you will not set boundaries with your own parents when it comes to visits, phone calls, finances, children, etc., the problem with your in-laws will only worsen.
5. Will you clean the toilet?
If the answer is “no” or “why should I?” or “Isn’t that your job?”, you have several options.

• You can hire someone to do the chores that neither of you wants to do.
• You can accept that you will be doing 90% of the chores around the house.
• You can discuss the importance of sharing the household chores together.

If none of these options work out, call off the wedding. This is another one of those issues that won’t suddenly get better after you sign the marriage license.
6. How do you want to spend our days off?
The answer to this question will reveal several things.

• How your future spouse likes to spend free time.
• The value your future spouse places on having fun together.
• Whether or not you will come first before work.

Balancing work and fun and family time and personal time is not easy.
Without talking about the time aspect of your life together, you may find yourself grumbling because your spouse is spending what you consider to be too much time with old friends and extended family, or on hobbies, sports, the computer, etc.
Living a balanced life together will create the time you both need, individually and together, for vacations, quiet time, and fun time.
7. How often do you drink?
The answer to this question, or to questions about smoking cigarettes or using drugs, will reveal whether or not your future spouse has a potential addiction problem which could end up not only threatening your marriage but could also put you in legal and financial jeopardy.
8. Have you ever hit someone?
If your future spouse has anger management issues, or tries to control who you see and what you do, or is causing you to walk on egg shells, cancel your wedding.
These are signs of a potentially abusive personality. Don’t think you can “save” him or her. You can’t. This is a problem that needs professional counseling.
9. Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
Open marriage and swinging is okay for some married couples, but most want and prefer a monogamous relationship. If your future spouse and you have differing opinions on what cheating is or isn’t, don’t get married until this issue has been discussed.
10. What do you think we’ll be doing in thirty or forty years?
If your future spouse can’t answer this or won’t answer this, then the two of you need to talk about long-lasting marriage expectations.
Why marry someone who doesn’t think your marriage will last?